Its late, I’m awake and feel the need to share my thoughts because I’m pretty sure that I’m not alone in this e-boat.
I kept quiet about what’s really going on with me, London & my music adventures for so long, I don’t quite know where to start. So bare with me, and forgive me if I ramble.
It was the end of Summer’12. Its always the end of a season (mine is Summer in particular) when you evaluate your life, the paths you’ve chosen and you take a second to consider the prospects of your future.
We all have a dream. We all have something we want to be “when we grow up”.
My dream, my daydream on my way to school every day- since before I can even remember- was to sing & make music. And it never changed. Not when I walked up to Uni in the mornings; not when I went to castings…and not when I walked to Mtv Spain’s Madrid HQs.
I sat on the beach and asked myself a question that I have yet to figure out the answer: when do we grow up, anyway?
"When I grow up…" seems like something so far away. Yet every second of every day we grow older. So when do we reach that point of growing up? At this day and age, I honestly don’t think you grow up when you marry- or have babies- and if I go by anything that I’ve seen, I’m pretty certain divorce does the exact opposite of that.
It seemed like an easy question, but I’ve spent the past couple of years trying to figure it out. The sense of not knowing is quite unnerving. Am I the only one that feels like this?
I’m left with the sensation that because of this, we spend our time doing “other stuff” which- as fruitful and fun as it may be- distracts us from reaching out for our real goals in life. Here’s my example:
Modelling, tv presenting, uni… I completely fell into every one of those things. I was scouted when I was 15 years old. I went to university because I thought I should get a degree before I consider taking any more steps in my future. My modelling agency sent me to Tokyo, where I started this site as “HoraConfessions” and blogged about my adventures and modelling in Japan (which I wouldn’t have been able to start without having taken that Online Marketing class at Uni). The next two years of my life were spent in Madrid, working for Mtv Spain (a casting which I’d been sent to through my agency).
Firstly, let me say that I’m so grateful for all of the adventures and incredible places that I’ve been to. They are all part of who I am now. But as I sat on that beach I realised that I’d completely strayed from my true goal: music. I realised that, whilst I’d worked the hardest I possibly could at every single opportunity that I’d been given, I hadn’t focused on the thing that made me most happy.
The truth is, I don’t consider myself to be a model, or a tv presenter, and least of all a blogger. Two years ago I felt like in a world of both amazing and confusing, I needed to find my place. I needed to get back on track, concentrate & discover what I’m really about.
So that’s what I’ve been doing for exactly two years since I moved to London. Slowly but steadily- and with a lot of hard work- I’ve started from the bottom and I’m becoming me, and I’m going to take as much time as I need. I want to make sure that when I do grow up, I am exactly where I want to be.
Thank you for sticking with me,